Pen-WO-Manship

Believe me, there are plenty of reasons to break up with a girl. Included among them are her wearing white tube socks under dress shoes (yes, even boots demand colored, if not patterned, socks), her refusing to call you by your first name (leaving you to conclude that even after three months of dating, she still didn’t know it), and her having the audacity to leaf through your copy of Sports Illustrated before you have even had the chance to pick it up.

And, that’s without more obvious explanations like her testing her mettle as a dental hygienist by inspecting your buddy’s gums with her tongue, her liberating your Visa card from your wallet and going on a spending spree that would make Donald Trump blush, and her dispensing the truth as easily as Ebenezer Scrooge did with gold coins at Christmas.

But, you have to wonder, does bad handwriting alone carry enough prosecutable girth to merit a split?

Truthfully, though, bad handwriting is a misnomer. Really, I’m alluding to an unappealing type of handwriting for, as the mailbox of history will clearly attest, no woman – save Helen Keller and those with the self-indulgent souls with the pretentious letters M.D. or Ph.D. after their names* - since pen was first put to paper (or squished berry to cave wall, for that matter) has ever possessed truly bad handwriting.

Men? You betcha. But, women? No way.

(*Here, it must be noted that doctors – both male and female – get a free pass down the hallway of handwriting. After all, would you really want to decipher their scribble? Reading, "Patient is too short, too bald, and way too flabby. His lifestyle, not to mention body odor, poses a serious health concern to not only himself, but also those around him. Taking these drugs definitely won’t cure him, but it should numb him sufficiently so that he lives the rest of his life in a Jimi Hendrix-haze. Possible side effects include headaches and dizziness, fainting spells and dementia, nausea and vomiting, as well as the persistent chance that his large intestines could fall out of his anus at any given moment. But, he shouldn’t die. At least, not for a few more years." just doesn’t sound that pleasant. Does it?)

You see, in the realm of writing, women do one thing far better than their male counterparts: they take their time. And, while this is an altogether infuriating habit when you’re running late for a friend’s wedding or you’re stuck in the perfume aisle at Macy’s, it’s sweeter than lollipops and gum drops when it comes to inking up a page. So melodic, soothing, and pleasant can a woman’s scores of letters be that their meaning actually fades in import. Like the chef’s special at a five-star restaurant, the presentation is as important – if not more so – than the product itself.

So, what makes fine penmanship? Aha. Divulging this secret so easily would be akin to telling Elmer Fudd where Buggs Bunny spends his winters, brazenly defying the wisdom of the ages.
But, there are some common pitfalls that can be mentioned and must be avoided. To start, don’t be too drab, but don’t be too cute (aim for hunter green, not charcoal gray or bubblegum pink). Don’t be too straight, but don’t be too curvy (think Gwen Stefani, not Kate Moss or Pam Anderson). Cross your t’s and dot your i’s, but never… ever… under any circumstances… do so with hearts (circles, however, are occasionally acceptable). Choose your words carefully – not so much for what they mean, but instead for how they look (street, for instance, is the sleek Ferarri to road’s clunky jalopy). Don’t rush through it, but don’t take too long at it either (you want to give the impression that "you just whipped it up"). And finally – and most importantly – when you sign your name, do it with gusto, add in some soul, and sprinkle on top just a wee bit of chutzpah.

So, craft your cursive and perfect your print, and remember just how much is riding on your handwriting roller coaster.