Another Roadside Revelation

Yesterday, I unpacked myself from the Grey Ghost (my 1994 Toyota pick-up) in Santa Monica, California after what I think was my 11th automobile navigation of at least 2/3 of the country. It took more than 3000 miles, six days and countless mugs of fuel-injected coffee, but I am happy to report that I survived middle America and arrived in the Governator's state relatively happy and healthy, if a bit stiff. For some riveting revelations from the road, read on:

- When driving through the Grand Canyon at night, watch out for deer and bucks. The former grow larger than a small, silver Toyota pick-up, and the latter can count more points on their antlers than even Wilt the Stilt could post in his finest game.

- Contrary to popular belief, you will not die if you accidentally run into an electric fence. You will, however, receive an uncomfortable shock in your leg and you may moo your way through the rest of your trip.

- You know you're in Kansas when signs on the side of the road read, "Abortion Kills" and "Chose Life... Your Parents Did."

- Everyone has moved from the Midwest to the coasts, leaving middle America virtually empty. And, the poor souls who didn't get the evacuation memo are very upset about this, leading to an often salty temperament.

- Denver, Colorado is actually south of Baltimore, Maryland.

- The Grand Canyon is truly, as our favorite philosopher/geologist Homer Simpson noted, a grand canyon.

- Having three clocks, each set to a different time (a wristwatch set to East Coast time, a car radio clock set to an hour earlier because I couldn't figure out how to set it when last we saved daylight, and a cell phone clock which is supposed to stay in the proper time zone) makes it extremely difficult to figure out what time it really is an just where the heck you are. This isn't Russia, is it?

- Miller High-Life, the champagne of beers, has stolen the theme song from True Romance, one of the five greatest movies of all-time (and one of the most distinct theme songs), for a new television ad campaign.

- If William Least-Moon were to update his classic work Blue Highways today, he would be mortified by what he found. In the olden days, secondary highways (i.e., two-lane, non interstate ones) were marked on maps in blue ink and the bigger four-lane one (i.e., I-70, I-80, I-90, etc.) in red. But, at some point mapmakers switched the colors, so Least-Moon's tour would now avoid the charming small towns he discovered 20 years ago, but would give him a breathtaking view of the back of an endless stream of semis.

- Driving west as the sun is setting is a very, very bad idea.

- The difference between a Holiday Inn and a Holiday Inn Express is that the former has a full restaurant and the latter offers a complimentary continental breakfast. Prices are comparable and are determined by location as opposed to services provided. Yes, I did ask a Customer Service associate in Cedar City, UT.

- Whenever you pull out to pass a slowpoke car on a two-lane highway, they will immediately speed up. It's Murphy's... or Henry's (Ford)... law.

- The times listed for hikes in National Parks (i.e., a trip to Zion's Angels Landing will take 4 hours) are designed for your average chainsmoking, fast-food eating, overweight American. A person in reasonably good shape should be able to make these climbs in 2/3 to 3/4 of the time... including breaks, and time to enjoy the view and a granola bar.

- There is a place named Virgin, Utah. It's actually on the map!